Spit Jokes / Recent Jokes

NAME:' Expecteria Trouserius' (Trouser Snake, also known as well, uhum. . Dick?)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) * Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. Usually used by the male species instead of brains.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will more...

Personal Hygiene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for more...

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Bathhouses are against the law. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Women may not drive in a house coat. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Ice more...

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Bathhouses are against the law. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Women may not drive in a house coat. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. Alhambra You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Baldwin Park Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." Blythe You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. Burlingame more...

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. Signs are required to be written in English. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. Acworth All citizens must own a rake. Atlanta Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. One man may not be on another man`s back. Columbus Can`t cut off a chicken`s head on Sunday. It is illegal to carry a chicken by it`s feet down Broadway on Sunday. Gainesville Chicken must be eaten with the hands. Jonesboro It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" Kennesaw Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. Marietta Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck. St. more...

You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".You've given your gun a woman's name.Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.You go to the post office to research your family tree.You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.You see a forest fire and think' Bar-bee-Q'.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Bathhouses are against the law. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Women may not drive in a house coat. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Ice more...