Spouse Jokes / Recent Jokes

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
Gentleman: 1) A more...

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.
We at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most more...

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in more...

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of more...

"COMMON SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE"

HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work more...

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name:______________
First name:______________
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Bobby-Sue
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Bobby-Jo
(_) Billy-Ray (_) Bobby-Ann
(_) Billy-Sue (_) Bobby-Lee
(_) Billy-Mae (_) Bobby-Ellen
(_) Billy-Jack (_) Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
(_) Badd-Teddy Bob
Age:_____(if unsure, guess)
Sex: (_)M (_)F (_)None
Shoe Size:______Left_____Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer (_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser (_) Waitress
(_) Un-employed (_) Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name:_________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________
3rd Spouse's Name_______________
Lover's Name:___________________
2nd Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Aunt
(_) Brother (_) Uncle
(_) Mother (_) Son
(_) Father (_) Daughter
(_) Cousin (_) Pet
Number of children living in household:_____
Number of children living in more...