Spread Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"How many are coming?"

"Just lay back and take it easy--I'll do the rest."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn. You'll get some!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"Just reach in and grab the more...

Jim woke up one morning and turned over to his wife's side of the bed, but she had already gone downstairs to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Fearful of spoiling 'the moment' by getting up, he called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
His wife answered the note and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
Jim quickly read the note and wrote a reply, which he asked his son to take to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
His wife read the note and again asked her son to take her reply back to her husband. The note read:
I'm sure that your pole's
The best in the land,
But I'm more...

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it more...

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it doesn't mix well with thorazine."
8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, "I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?"
7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.
6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one more...

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some more...

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops more...

A young girl and her grandmother were in the bank when three robbers ran in and held it up.
"All the ladies, down on the floor!" one handsome robber demanded.
"My grandmother too?" asked the young girl.
"Yes, your grandmother too!" he yelled. "Now, all ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."
"My grandmother too?" asked the girl.
"Yes, her too!" the robber snapped. "All ladies will now remove their panties."
"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" sobbed the girl.
Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, your grandmother too!" Now, all ladies on the floor, spread your legs."
Before the young girl had the chance to ask her usual question, her grandmother snarled, "Quiet girl! You heard what the man said!"