Squeezed Jokes / Recent Jokes

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a more...

A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere. He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs. Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened. When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless more...

For years' n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra. After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump." Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine." She stepped upon a pedal.. . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!! My skin was stretched' n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't more...

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless more...

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts" she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt. Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And more...

For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is more...