Staff Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a priest who got into a car wreck and died. At the pearly gates there was a long line in front of the priest and the person right in front of the priest was the taxi driver.

When the taxi driver was the next person in line, Saint Peter takes one look at him and gives him a silk robe and a golden staff and sends him into heaven.

Then Saint Peter looks at the Priest and hands him a cotton robe and a wooden staff and sends him into heaven.

The Priest was perplexed and asked Saint Peter,"He why did the taxi driver get all of the fancy stuff while I get this cheap stuff." Then Saint Peter calmly said,"When you were preaching people were sleeping, and when the Taxi driver was driving people were praying."

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he more...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a Jatt taxi driver from Neyw Yaark Seety."
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The planners told the Chief of Plans: “It’s a crock of shit and it stinks! ”
The Chief of Plans then told the G3: “It’s a pail of dung and none may abide by the odor. ”
The G3 then told Chief of Staff: “It’s a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may smell it. ”
The Chief of Staff then told the ADC(M): “It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength. It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong. ”
The ADC(M) told the CG: “It promotes growth and it is very powerful. It will promote the efficiency in the system and victory for the future. ”
And the CG reviewed the plan and said: “This is good. ”
And the plan became an order.
And this is how shit happens.

Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Are the bears with collars tame?

4. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

5. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

6. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

7. Are there birds in Canada?

8. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

9. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

10. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

11. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

12. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

13. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?

14. How far is Banff from more...

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give more...