Stand Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a more...

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the more...

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again! ”
“What makes you say that? ”
he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again. more...

Teacher-All The Lazy Boys Of My Class Stand Up? Teacher-Rahul Aren't You Lazy?? Raju-I Am So Lazy To Stand.

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 20 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 50 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for five full minutes!Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "Ify ou shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's *their* deer!" So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby.

He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer, lady... It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!"

One Saturday morning, Dave, who's an avid hunter, wakes up anxious to go bag the first deer of the season. As he enters the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, he finds his wife sitting there, dressed in camouflage.
"Laura, what are you up to?" he asks.
"I'm going hunting with you!" she replies.
Although Dave has many reservations about this, he reluctantly agrees to take her along. When they arrive at the hunting site, Dave sets her safely up in the tree stand and says, ""If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
He then walks away with a smile on his face, knowing that Laura couldn't bag an elephant, let alone a deer. But, not ten minutes pass when he's startled as he hears a barrage of gunshots.
He quickly begins running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears her screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, he races faster towards his screaming wife. more...