Star Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4 During one lonely more...
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.3 more...
Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter
by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman ([email protected])
NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.
Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an
idiot up all night?"
Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John more...
You may be an engineer if...
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the more...
Once again, as a service to the readers of the Politics list,
I submitted the following as an article in the Virtual World
News (our very own Electronic Tabloid Paper, run by me.)
THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
"Don't read anything else.
We really mean it."
TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, "I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD," FILES LAWSUIT
AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR "EXPLOITATION"
The cushiony king of children's public television says his life hasn't been
as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference
last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs
was a harrowing experience.
"Nobody liked me," the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against
Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with
the making of the film "Jurassic Park." The suit contends that Barney,
as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be more...
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted more...
A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Havent you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.