Statistician Jokes / Recent Jokes

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

Here are the results of our drug testing study on rabbits: 1/3 of the sample died; 1/3 of the sample survived; the other one ran away.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

Statisticians probably do it.

Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.

Statisticians do it when it counts.

Statisticians do it with large numbers.

Statisticians do it with significance.

Statisticians do it on random walks.

Statisticians do it stochastically.

Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.

Statisticians do it with standard deviations.

Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.

Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.

no one wants your job.

you are right 95% of the time.

you feel complete and sufficient.

you found accountancy too exciting.

you never have to say you are certain.

you may not be normal but you are transformable.

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
"With what degree of certainty do you need to know?"

3. 67 statisticians on the average.

75. 23% of the population believe that it takes less than four statisticians.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant

A physicist, a statistician, and a (pure) mathematician go to the races and place bets on horses.
The physicist's horse comes in last. "I don't understand it. I have determined each horse's strength through a series of careful measurements."
The statistician's horse does a little bit better, but still fails miserably. "How is this possible? I have statistically evaluated the results of all races for the past month."
They both look at the mathematician whose horse came in first. "How did you do it?"
"Well", he explains. "First, I assumed that all horses were identical and spherical..."

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short
walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3
meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for,
aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down and screamed "We got him! We got him!"