Statistician Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs? A: A high flyer.Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1-3, alpha = .05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees? A: It's referred to as the log scale.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course? A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.Q: Why don't statisticians like to more...

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"

There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says that's too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says that's still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. "First," he says "assume we have a can opener."

A new government 10 year survey cost $3, 000, 000, 000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority. Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot. According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys. Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs? A: A high flyer. Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1-3, alpha =. 05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates. Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees? A: It's referred to as the log scale. Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course? A: He improved his confidence from. 95 to. 99. Q: Why don't more...

Excerpted from "Quotes, damned quotes and..." by John Bibby.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Goethe)
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)
"Give us a copper Guv," said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I
haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And
how does that compare with the same period last year?" (Russell
Lewis)
"I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a more...

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a
photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and
scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a
white zebra! It is fantastic! There are white zebras! We will be famous!"
The statistician: "It is not significant. We only know there is one white
zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white
on one side."
The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"

A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician go out on a duck hunt. They have only one gun. The come across some geese and the mathematician quickly calculates the distance, the velocity, the angle, etc. and shoots.
Well, he misses by a foot to the LEFT!
They come across geese again, and this time the physicist takes the gun. After calculating all the angles, flight paths, velocities, etc. the physicist also takes into consideration the gravity, air frictions, and such things... and fires!
Well, s/he misses by a foot to the RIGHT!
The statistician jumps up and down, yelling, "We got'em! We got'em!"