Steal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.

God comes down to them and said, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."

The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.

God says to them, "Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."

The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."

The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.

The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you more...

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play more...

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Judge: Why did you steal this man’s watch?
Thief: I didn’t steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Every DVD now has a little opening sequence with a PSA that tries to guilt you out of illegal downloading by appealing to your decency. It says things like, "You wouldn't steal a car..." and it shows someone not stealing a car. Then it shows that same person stealing movies and music off the Internet, thereby teaching me a valuable lesson:
It turns out I would totally steal a car if I could download it from the Internet.

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here.
What made you come?"
Cohen said, "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every
Saturday.
I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levi's hat."
The rabbi said, "Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn't steal Levy's hat.
What changed your mind?"
Cohen said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said "After more...