Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
Department of Unusual Marketing: Johnson & Johnson has a continuing contract with a number of Web sites devoted to the stock market. When the stock market falls by at least 100 points, banner ads for the company's headache remedies appear on the sites.
News Releases I Never Got Around to Finishing: "The recent U.S. presidential election left a number of people wondering if their vote really counts. But with GetMusic's new music video voting tool, Hot or Not, every vote matters. Launching today on GetMusic.com (www.get-music.com)... "
Job Title of the Month: A Build-A-Bear Workshop is a retail chain that allows customers to design their very own stuffed bear. Maxine Clark is Chief Executive Bear.
And speaking of animals, The You're Probably Not Surprised Award to rapper Snoop Dogg's new venture, a porn video called Doggystyle. While the Dogg performs in the video, he keeps his clothes on.
Our Say What? more...
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element of M is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest more...
SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled more...
I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron".
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks. American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co., Northern Tissue Co. Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean!
The remaining local ranchers headed by the cattle baroness Clare D Looney
eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only
competition( two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take
drastic, but traditional action.
The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.
Those modified sisters maintained strange yearnings from their previous selves
and devised a plan to satisfy their impulses. On Christmas eve they planned to
get Santa stuck in the chimney with his tender parts exposed in the fireplace.
Why?
In hope that St Nick soon would be theirs.
Both by Gary Reeves
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Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not
have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you
don't want.
By Marsha in more...
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldnt prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, Ive left the company, Im not more...