Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.
13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...
If you had purchased $1, 000. 00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron stock, you would have had $16. 50 left of the original $1, 000. With WorldCom stock, you would have had less than $5. 00 left. Then who would pay for your Social Security? But, if you had purchased $1, 000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214. 00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice for today's seniors is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are more...
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A white haired, old man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5, 000. "I don't think you understand. .. I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40, 000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course you would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday". Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account" "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"
What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?
In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool.