Stone Jokes / Recent Jokes

How did the hail stone describe it's life? -It really has a lot of ups and downs

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The seats in the bus are uncomfortable; the food is terrible; it's too hot; it's too cold; the accommodations are horrible; and on and on.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't come back tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So, I guess we won't be able to kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide more...

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I`m screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay. .... NOW you`re screwed."

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told."But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her.
Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim.
Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.' 'Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies,' 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies,' 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says,' 'Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask,' 'Why?''' 'Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.