Straight Jokes / Recent Jokes

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much.
So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.
Finally I said, 'well, how much do you have?'
"The marine said he only had $25.
So I told him, "For $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out.
I put one hand on it.
Then, I put the other hand above that one."
She paused, raised her eyebrows.
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!
Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!

One day, a little boy went to his father 'daddy, is God male or female?' and his father answered 'Well son, God is both male and female.'Then the boy asked 'Daddy, is God black or white?' and his father answered 'well son, God is both black and white.'Then the boy asked 'Daddy, is God gay or straight?' and his father said 'well son, God is both gay and straight.'The boy was quiet for a while and seemed to be thinking. Finally he broke the silence by saying 'Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?'

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. Whenshe came back down to the street, the seasoned veteransall gathered around to hear the details. She said,"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine." "Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, buthe said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either.Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marinesaid he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all Ican give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after gettingthe finances straight, he pulled it out. I put onehand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!"

The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I asked, 'Well, how much do you have?'"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! then what did
you do?"
"I loaned him more...

Possibly offensive to Norwegians since Ole and Lena are from Norway but now live in the US. I am 100% norwegian so I figure I can get by with this! One day Lena stops Ole and tells him that the outhouse is full and he has to do something about it. Ole comments that Sven is comming over the next weekend, and since he has been going to an engineering school he should have an idea of the best way to handle the situation.
That weekend Sven comes over and Ole explains his dilemma. ..
"Sven, we got to do somethin' about the outhouse, it is full and Lena is getting very upset about it"
"Well Ole, I have an idea. We will place several sticks of dynamite around the outside of the outhouse with a fuse just long enough to allow us to run behind the house before it goes off. The outhouse will be blown straight up, the crap in the hole will be blown out into the fields to fertilize them, then outhouse will fall right back down to were it was."
Ole thought more...

China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision! Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible" for today? s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet. "I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking more...

Santa had asked Banta to help him out with the deck after work,
so Banta just went straight over to Santa's place. When they got to
the door, Santa went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Banta told Santa that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Santa said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Banta thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Banta was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little chintu fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the more...