Strength Jokes / Recent Jokes
M&M's: The Theory of EvolutionWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of more...
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish".
The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish".
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow".
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin".
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy".
Replied the other: "Paddy".
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer".
Paddy more...
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to more...
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength... and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned more...
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: more...
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Star Wars Character: Darth Vader Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace-loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Star Wars Character: Lando Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Star Wars Character: The Emperor The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the center of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character: Chewbacca more...
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.