String Jokes / Recent Jokes

A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, "I am sorry but we can't serve strings here."The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, "Waiter, give me a beer." The waiter says,"Hey aren't you the string who came in here earlier."The string replies, "No, I'm a fraid knot."

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
Open door and remove cat from closet.
Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...
Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
Remove present from bag.
Remove cat from bag.
Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat more...

Making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, a preacher came upon a little boy selling a lawn mower.
"How much are you asking for the mower?" the preacher asked.
"Just enough so I can buy myself a bicycle," replied the boy.
After thinking it over for a moment, the preacher asked, "Would you consider taking my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try the bike out first and after riding it around for a while, he said, "You've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and started trying to crank it. He pulled on the string a number of times, but there was no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, "I can't seem to get the mower to start."
"That's because you have to curse at it to get it started," the boy replied.
"Son, I've been a minister for many, many years. I don't even remember how to curse," said the preacher.
"Just more...

A little corporate humor
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after
months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop
spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra more...

This joke was told by a woman (didn't get her name) from the West
Virginia Bankers' Association during Comedy Night at Robby's (a local
night club) in Huntington West Virginia:
There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she
noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered
that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She
decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not
quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.
She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around
this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top
of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to
also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When
she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her
left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice more...

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been more...

New from MATTEL: Administrative Barbie: Works twelve hour days for little pay (70% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop and directions for the coffee machine. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Sister Mary Barbie: This more...