String Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17. 8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, more...

What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampoon is for? For flossing after eating.

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil stopped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon little johnny trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said little johnny. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" Little Johnny asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." Little Johnny said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse." Little Johnny looked at him happily more...

- No cool Nuclear Missiles to dodge

- The world did not end so now I have to go back to work

- My mother-in-law wants to move in now that our underground fortress will be unused

-The Ball on Times Square did not explode causing Dick Clark's skin to melt off to reveal his alien-reptile face

- With all the bottled water I bought, I could fill my swimming pool. Too bad I already filled my pool with canned string beans.

- I will be eating those canned string beans until Y *3* K.

A piece of string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him suspiciously. The bartender says “Sorry, buddy, we don’t serve strings here. ”
So the piece of string walks out. As he’s sitting in the gutter outside feeling really thirsty, the string thinks “Hey! I’ve got an idea to get me into the bar. ”
So he starts twisting, turning, wiggling and fraying a few threads here and there.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says “Hey, aren’t you that string that was just in here a minute ago? ”
The piece of string replies “Nope, I’m a frayed knot. ”