Suicide Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say' It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in more...

The house owner was really interested with his maid girl and planning to have good time once his wife is away.
So the time comes and he had sex with maid girl. but after sometimes he was feeling bad and he hurt himself for his mistake.
Few days back, he really felt very much upset and he planned to make suicide by cutting his penis. He was mumbling and just took the knife.
The parrot which lives in his house understood his owner planning to have suicide and need to save him. The parrot called the police station immediately. Sir, please come immediately and save my owner who is going to suicide.
Meantime, the owner tries and gets failure to cut his penis. he was afraid too. Parrot were noticing these things and got upset once realized what's going to happen. Called the police immediately. Police were rushing and had a call from the same number again. Police wondered and answered the call.
The parrot speaks, sir, please save me before save my owner.
He is more...

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man youre planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.

Three men were sitting on a bridge one red head one brunet and one blonde the first one said if my wife packes me ham agian im gonna comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 2 man goes if my wife packes me spagagtti agian im going to comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 3 man says if my wife pakes me salami agian im gonna comit suicdie and jump off this bridge. The next day the first one got ham his jumped off. The 2 one got spagetti and he jumped off the bridge. The 3 one got bologna and he jumped off the bridge. The 1 wife said im so sorry, the 2 wife said im so sorry, The 3 wife said don't look at me he packes his own lunch.

Why are the terrorists so quick to commit suicide?
Let's see:
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No Titty bars.
No Hooters Bars. "What is this Hooters of which you speak!"
No Playboy Channel.
No organized sports of any kind to speak of.
Fucking sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
No toilet paper. Eating with your right hand only causes you to wipe your ass with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door... No, wait. Is that music? Shit, can't tell.
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel shit....
Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better!

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.