Super Jokes / Recent Jokes
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for' 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window." I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and more...
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
Her husband wakes up.
Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes." Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked." Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming. Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though. And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"
A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house. He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
"No," the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
The man, feeling like dirt said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
"No", said the guy.
The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?"
The guy replied, "Because they're all at more...
Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
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