Supermarket Jokes / Recent Jokes

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I`ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy."

The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."

A man approached a beautiful young woman in the supermarket and asked,"You know, I've managed to lose my wife. Can I talk to you for a minute?""Why?" the woman replied."Because my wife seems to turn up out of nowhere whenever I talk to a beautiful woman."

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals -"Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!"Finally a store clerk approached." Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old guy, "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" "Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" "Lard Ass!"

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."