Swear Jokes / Recent Jokes

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*cking arse it won't be Coco Pops."

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
The 4-year-old replies, more...

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life! " she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old." The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation. "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!" "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies. The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to more...

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You`re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you`ll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there`ll be trouble!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The priest continues: "Saint Andrew more...

I have friends who swear they dream in color. I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.