Swear Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but.. . will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can more...

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Son:'Can I play cricket with the boys in the street?'
Dad:'No. They swear too much.'
Son:'But you play with them.'
Dad:'I swear already.'

Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word the next day. He thinks it will be fun and bring some excitement to their lives. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word the next day.
The eleven year old decides to use "hell"; the eight year old decides to use "ass".
The next morning their mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Well, hell," says the eleven year old, I'll have some Cheerios."
The mother goes ballistic upon hearing this bad word and launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words.
When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
"You can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" he tells her.

Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

. .. BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"

Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."

. .. BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- "I do solemonemoney swear..."

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."

- and will to the best of my ability

- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly. .."

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- "... preservect defenestrate the United. .. the Constitual. .. the. .. um. .. of America."

- So help me God.

- "So help me. So help more...

Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

... BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"

Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I`d do it all again."

... BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- "I do solemonemoney swear..."

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."

- and will to the best of my ability

- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly. .."

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- "... preservect defenestrate the United. .. the Constitual. .. the. .. um. .. of America."

- So help me God.

- "So help me. So help my more...