Sweet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once there was an old grandmother who believed in taboo. On New Year's Year's Day and other festival days, she would try only to say nice things, and never let the word "no" rashly fall from her mouth. One lunar New Year's Day, as soon as the granddaughter passed her a bowl of sweet rice porridge. She drank it up joyfully. "Grandma, will you take another bowl of rice porridge?", asked the granddaughter. "All right," replied the grandmother. The little girl passed her the second bowl of rice porridge and quickly she drank it. "Some more rice porridge?", asked the granddaughter. The grandmother thought that during New Year's Day she couldn't say "no", and so she replied promptly, "O. K., I'll drink a third bowl." In this way the grandmother drank six bowls, and her stomach was like a big drum. The little girl who wasn't very sensible still asked persistently. "Grandma, would you like to drink some more sweet rice more...
Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
Right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you more...
There once was a farmer who took a young miss
Out back of the barn where he gave her a...
Lecture on horses and cattle and eggs
And told she had the most wonderful...
Manners that suited a girl of her charms
A girl that he wanted to take in his...
Washing and ironing and then if she did
They could get married and raise lots of...
Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses
Covered all over from head to toe
Covered all over with sweet violets
The girl told the farmer that he better quit
Then she called her father and he took a...
Taxi and got there before very long
'Cause someone was treating his little girl...
Right for a change and so that's why he said
If you marry my daughter, you're better off...
Single, for son it has always been my belief
That marriage will bring a man nothing but...
Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses
Covered all over from head to toe
Covered all over with sweet violets
The Eight Worst Convenience Foods
And I thought nothing could top Hormel's pickled eggs. ..
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, more...
'Twas The Homebrewer's Night Before Christmas
' Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse...
The steins were empty, and the bottles were too
The beer had been drunk with no time to brew.
My family was nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Christmas Ale foamed in their heads.
Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought,
She craved a pilsner and I, a stout.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash,
Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!
I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.
With a look in his eye, so lively and quick,
He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your more...
13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.
10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3. Smoke emanating from more than just the more...
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if
she could help him, he answered,
"Yes ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city
outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves more...