Sweet Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a youngman in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space shewas waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up tothe man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smartaleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young andbright."Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car andbacked it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into hisMercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you dothat for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Confucius Says:Man who stand on toilet high on pot.Crowded elevator smell different to midget.He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.Man who drive like hell bound to get there..

John Harrison was despondent. He'd been married for ten years and had nothing to show for it but twelve children; he and his wife were obviously compatible, but that was not enough.

He found it impossible to get by on a single job, so he'd taken two; now the long hours were beginning to affect his health. Slowly he trudged down the basement steps.

"I can't support my family," he said to himself, though he'd said the same thing many times to his wife as well. "I'm no good to them and no good to myself."

He picked up a piece of clothes line, made a noose, and placed it around his neck. "They'd be better off if I were dead," he said.

He climbed up on a box, tossed the loose end of the rope over a pipe and tied it securely to the top of the washing machine.

"If I were dead, they'd at least have the insurance," he said. "My sweet wife has given me everything, and I've had nothing to give her more...

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel more...

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class. She never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic:
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label - he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more...

Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula: Marshmallows, chocolate fudge cake...