Tail Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that junk you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do more...

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, more...

One more Lincoln story that came to mind:
As a young lawyer, Lincoln was pleading a case and asked a witness (appropos of what I do not recall, though perhaps the use of heresay evidence): "How many legs does a cow have?"
The man grinned at the foolish question and said, "Four, of course."
"And how many legs would the cow have if we called her tail a leg," continued Lincoln.
With a partonizing sneer, the witness replied, "Five."
"No, my friend, she'd still have four. Just calling her tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well it was like this said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wifes golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife Hey this looks like yours!

And Adam said,' 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.''

And God said,' 'No problem! I will create a companion for you that will bewith you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.''

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,' 'But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.''

And God said,' 'No problem! Because I have created this new more...

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was more...

Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets more...