Temperature Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)
The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.
"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."
The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,
report to communications for instructions."
Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronaut 1, please report to communications more...

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment."This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.""We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away."Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's more...

May 30th Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson more...

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the more...

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable."No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has more...

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30: 26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10, 000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that.... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i. e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E) temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed.... [However] Revelations 21: 8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving... shall have their part in more...

Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck.

The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels.

To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey", but would rust to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, more...