Ten Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.""And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
This guy walks in to a bar. He has a few and gets loaded. Another guy says "Hey buddy, want ten bucks?" And of course, the reply is yes. He says "Either you screw a nun, or pull out a rottwieler's loose tooth. Your choice. Then I'll give you your ten bucks.." You gotta remember, this guy's drunk. He says he'll pick the rottweiler. So he goes in to a room and there's a bunch of banging around in the room and finally the guy walks out bleeding. He then says "Wow! That sure was tough. Will you pay me twenty buck if I go see the nun with the loose tooth?"
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into ten groups of three, the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone:
10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzzz up!"
9. Viagra. The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a more...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION
'Analysts say the discrepancy resulted from a lack of sales through resellers to end users'--that's the official reason Corel lost $32 million in the third quarter. Sounds like a cover-up to us. Herewith, the *real* reasons for the revenue shortfall:
10. Hot air for the Corel blimp
9. Still waiting for Sun and Netscape to come through on the Office for Java deal
8. Fuel cost write-off for Dr. Cowpland's Lamborghini
7. New Canadian hockey tax really takes a bite
6. Photo CD' The Statuary of Flint, Michigan' never generated anticipated revenue
5. Started their Macintosh product division too late
4. Shipping costs of massive Corel Office Suite much higher than expected
3. Corel C++ for Java for Windows
2. CFO did the financial statement in CorelDraw...
1.. ..and designed the annual report in Quattro Pro
Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9. 69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
' Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss more...
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands. He turns to more...