Tender Jokes / Recent Jokes

Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.

A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ”
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn. ”
The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, ”
You have your left tit in the Ashtray! ”

One day a polar bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks him,
"What would you like today sir?"
After 30 seconds or so the polar bear answers
" A beer please"
The bar tender replies,
"Why the big paws/pause?"
(GET IT??? PAWS AND PAUSE!!)

Hard of Hearing Genie
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".
The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"
The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"
The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."
The man says "Oh, Okay!"
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops more...

A duck walks into a bar and says do u have any crisps. The bartender replies no we dont. Feelin sad the duck leaves. The next day the duck arrives and asks for crisps again. Soundin mildly annoyed the tender replies no raising his voice slightly, the duck leaves saddended again. As usual the duck returns and before he asks the bartender shouts "IF U ASK FOR CRISPS 1 MORE TIME IM GONNA NAIL UR BEAK TO THE BAR". the duck eaves. The next day the tender is releaved thinkin the duck wont come, moments later the duck arrives and asks "do u have any nails" and the tender replies no. The duck asks "any crisps?"

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you more...

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came more...