Terminal Jokes / Recent Jokes
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective
immediately.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus
travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be
authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower
fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be
substituted for travel to Seattle.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a
substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued
luminescent safety vest inside more...
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a. m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o. k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running & shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news! ” As I waved back, I more...
Airplanes running operating systemsHere are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don`t need to know, don`t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when more...
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need thedelay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthestgate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon asyou touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats onthe aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Justlook for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to thelavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the morecarry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during more...