"Policies" joke

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective
immediately.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus
travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be
authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower
fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be
substituted for travel to Seattle.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a
substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued
luminescent safety vest inside out, and you will notice that it now says “VALET
PARKING ATTENDANT” over the left breast pocket. After arriving at your
destination, stand at the curb in front of the airport departure terminal.
Studies have shown that within 10 minutes someone will hand you the keys to
their car, which they are unlikely to need again for three to five days. Our
operations research people say that a ten minute delay compares favorably with
the average rental car checkout queue, and that 80 to 90% of our corporate
travel is completed within the three to five day window during which the car is
available. Members of the sales team may be able to use their skills to obtain
advance payment of the parking fees and apply the money toward gasoline if the
vehicle is insufficiently fueled at acquisition. Car sharing has
the added advantage of avoiding extensive car return formalities once your
business is complete. Merely leave the car in the terminal loading zone, and the
airport police will see that it gets back to the owner.
LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If such accommodation is unavailable at a particular
destination, public areas such as parks and parking lots may be used as
temporary lodging. In inclement weather, a bridge or large cardboard box can
serve as a useful shelter. For those of you who are sports-minded and traveling
to rainy areas, a scuba suit may prove to be a cost-effective alternative to an
overpriced Motel 6.
MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains such as Piggly Wiggly, Fresh Fields, and Price
Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may often be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous
roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. For a
small fee, Personnel will be pleased to provide you with the latest U. S. Army
survival handbook, which includes comprehensive information on nutritious
vegetation and other al fresco dining opportunities such as squirrels, insects,
and small reptiles. Restaurants are not to be utilized unless snow cover renders
foraging impractical. In such cases, employees are directed to locate
establishments featuring “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially cost
effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to
feed the entire group. As an alternative to
obtaining food at your destination, canned tuna, spam, pork-n-beans, and
beefaroni are light, easy to pack, and may be consumed at your leisure with the
unnecessary bother of heating or other preparation. Don’t forget to take an
opener, as the company dental plan does not cover damage caused by gnawing on
sheet metal. As partial compensation for being obliged to travel over
Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s Day, employees assigned trips during
holiday periods will normally be able to obtain a free meal from the local
Salvation Army facility. Directions may be obtained from the local police (911
is a free call from any pay phone) or your fellow park residents. (See
“Lodging”, above.)
ENTERTAINMENT
Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances
are required during customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to pick
up the tab. Such action will save the company money and convince the customer
that we are concerned about spending money on a good product, not on useless
frivolities.
The hospitality provided to customers who visit our facilities should also be
tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench
will be placed in the parking lot next to the dumpster. The Chikn-Quik on the
west side of our building has a take-out window that provides excellent service,
and is offering a 20% discount until the Health Department allows our company
cafeteria to reopen. A garden hose will be made available so that liquid
refreshment can be provided for our guests.
MISCELLANEOUS
All employees are encouraged to apply innovative techniques in our team effort
to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested
that travel costs could be defrayed through the generation of revenue during
normally unproductive airport layover time. In support of this idea, red caps
and jackets will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may
earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods.
Small plastic roses will also be furnished for travelers, and should be offered
for sale as time permits.