Terrible Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was callingfrom Salt Lake City."

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Aye, that he did, Father...

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said,' Please, Mary, put down that dang gun...'"

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment is at hand, and our faith in His existence is justified." After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I haven't been feeling well at all. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink very much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "No, I never touch a drop."
"What about smoking?" the doctor asked.
"Never," the man replied. "Tobacco is bad and I have very strong principles against it."
"Well, do you have much of a sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Gracious, no!" the man exclaimed. "Sex is a sin. I'm in bed by 10pm every night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head!"
"That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!" said the doctor.

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the
back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour.
inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"