Terrible Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured."

"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"

"Follow me, sir."

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"

The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"

"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

"Oh my God! more...

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.
Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him.
They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?"
Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?"
Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

When Don and Putty Duh met each other on the street one day, Don noticed that Putty had a terrible cold. “Have you seen a doctor about that cold? ” he asked. “No, ” said Putty, “But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor? ” Don gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and Don wasn’t sure if the cold was really better. “Did you see my doctor? ” Don inquired. “Oh, yeah, ” Putty Duh replied. “He was a really nice guy! ” “Well, did he give you something to help your cold? ” “Sure did! ” Putty answered, somewhat enthusiastically. “He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath. ” “Well, did it help? ” Don asked hesitantly. “How do I know? ” Putty Duh retorted. “I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet! ”

Mother-in-Laws
1. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair!?!"
2. The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
3. At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man: "Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law." "Yes, I know... that's why I'm crying."
4. Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
5. Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. He is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.
6. Two neighbours were having a more...

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!"
The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!"

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states,
"I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of
course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope
tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up,
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from
Salt Lake City."