Texas Jokes / Recent Jokes
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don`t send any more men, its a trap. There`s more...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don`t you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for avisit, and took him on a tour of the property.Driving along in the son`s pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"The son incredulously replied, "That`s a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow `em a lot bigger`n back home in Texas."So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don`t recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they`re kinda familiar - it`s just that we grow `em so much bigger back in more...
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week`s stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I`ll get it for you.""Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.The doctor didn`t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire."Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn`t have swimming pools, and I didn`t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they`re all ready for you now!"
At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students humanreproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are bornwith a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, producemillions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" Oneyoung woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.