Thee Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the 1970s, two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken.

'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house' as burned to the ground!'

'I've got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott's out.'

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. 2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. 3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. 4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. 5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ''foo'' someone someday shall type ''supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''. 6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in more...

The Dentist's Hymn
"Crown Him with Many Crowns"The TV Weatherman's Hymn
"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"The Contractor's Hymn
"The Church's one Foundation"The Tailor's Hymn
"Holy, Holy, Holy"The Golfer's Hymn
"There is a Green Hill Far Away"The Politician's Hymn
"Standing on the Promises"The Optometrist's Hymn
"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"The IRS Hymn
"All to Thee"The Gossiper's Hymn
"Pass it On"The Electrician's Hymn
"Send the Light"The Shopper's Hymn
"Sweet by and by"
If you MUST speed on the highway - sing these hymns loudly:at 45 mph...
"God Will Take Care of Me"at 55 mph...
"Guide me, O Great Jehovah"at 65 mph...
"Nearer My God to Thee"at 75 mph...
"Nearer Still Nearer"at 85 mph...
"This World is not my Home"at 95 mph...
"Lord, I'm Coming more...

The Craven

Once upon an
election so dreary
as we pondered weak and weary
Over many quaint and curious rights of Constitutional lore.
While G.W. nodded, nearly napping,
suddenly came a tapping,
As of someone loudly rapping,
rapping at the White House door.
"'Tis some visitor," he muttered, "tapping at the White House door."
Only to find it was Michael Moore.

Ah, distinctly G.W. remembered it was the bleak June,
And now his approval rate wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly he wished for the election to be over, vainly he sought to win
For his second term. But now he sorrowed for the lost glamour.
"Will you let me enter?" bade Michael. "Can we talk about the war?"
Quoth G.W.:
"Never, Moore!"

Then, Michael thought, the air grew denser, stilled by an unseen censor
Swung by G.W.'s staunch supporters whose influence one more...

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the more...

"Godverdomme," vloekt de koffie, "ik sta hier al vijf minuten heet en gereed, en niemand die mij pakt."
De thee antwoordt: "Had dat dan eerder gezegd, ik sta hier al vijf minuten te trekken!"

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave! The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't more...