Things Jokes / Recent Jokes

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget more...

Quotes about computers and software and other things

' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn

'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown

'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius

'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'

'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...

WORDS OF THE WISE

1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.

4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 1960

9. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. - unknown NOW member

10. more...

Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli have been very close friends since childhood. They used to do all things together, e. g., both started going to school together, both passed their SSC exams together (with identical marks), both started playing cricket together, both were selected to the Bombay Ranji cricket team together, both went to college together, and both ended up joining the Indian cricket team together. Finally, both got engaged (to different girls) together and both decided to get married on the same day.

After that, both their wives get pregnant on the same day and the doctor gives the same delivery date for both. On the delivery date, Kambli's wife gives birth to a boy while Sachin's wife gives birth to twins! Kambli gets confused. He goes to Sachin and says, "How come? We have been doing the same things all our life. How come I get a son and you get twins?" When Sachin replies, "Boost is the secret of my energy", Kapil appears behind them more...

Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and the house was all neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I then lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa more...

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up more...