Things Jokes / Recent Jokes

You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it. Make fun of your parents' accents. As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better. As a child, you hated being Filipino. Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts. You still wear Tsinelas (slippers). You still take off your shoes when entering a house. (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the ghetto part of L. A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar. (Northern California) You've ever lived in Union City. You don't steal things (e. g., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait. You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, more...

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. Their downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out and told her that he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow shaft of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the more...

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Don't you wish when life is badand things just don't compute, That all we really had to dowas stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweetIf we had those special keysCtrl, Alt, and DeleteYour boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just muteJust stop and hit those wonderful keysthat make it all rebootYou'd like to have another jobbut you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Rules To Live By...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

A army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then Santa in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Santa, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
Santa replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Santa ?"
"Well," answered Santa, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked trainer impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"