Tie Jokes / Recent Jokes
A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for a drink, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he came across a little man at a stall selling ties. "Do you have water?" the Taliban rebel asked. "No, but would you like to buy a tie? $50." "Fool!" shouted the fighter. "I don't need an over-priced tie. I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the stallowner. "It does not matter that you do not want my ties and that you hate me. I will show you I am a bigger man than that. If you continue over that hill for about five kilometres, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need." Muttering, the fighter staggered over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back. "Your filthy swine of a brother won't let me in without a tie."
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That''s all right, sir, it''s not shrinkable.
A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won't let him in the guy asks, "'Why not?" "Because you're not wearing a tie," says the bouncer. "But I have come all the way from the other end of town," says the guy. "Sorry mate, that's the rules," says the bouncer. So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club. "Is this all right?" he asks the bouncer. "Well, all right then," replies the bouncer. "But I'll be watching you - don't start anything!"
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak more...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Eight ways to use a barometer to find the height of a building:
Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find the height.
Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's Center of Gravity to top of building.
Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower it from the top of the building to the ground, and then measure the length of the cable.
Take the barometer outside on a sunny day, measure its shadow and the buildings shadow.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure how far was it shifted by Corriolis force. The rest is trivial.
Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure long enough to more...