Toast Jokes / Recent Jokes

LETTER WRITTEN TO THE MANAGER OF THE Y. M. C. A HOTEL IN LONDON BY A TOURIST
FROM ITALY AFTER HIS RETURN HOME

Roma 29
Sep 1997
The Manager
Y. M. C. A Hotel
LONDON
Dear Signore Direttore

Now I am tella you story wot I was treated at your hotella
I am comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a younga christian
man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed-how can I sleep
with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to reception and tella:
"I wanna shit" They tella me: Go to toilet". I say no, I wanta shit in my
bed". They say: You better not shit in your bed, you sonna wa-bitch". What
is sonna wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and eggs and two
pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and
point on toast: " I wanta piss". She tells me: "GO to toilet" I more...

A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.

When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant." Needless to say, after a moment's silence, the whole restaurant burst into laughter.

The following diet has been circulated at one of the local
clinics. Some may find it stimulating.
BREAKFAST:
---
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk
LUNCH:
--
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
--
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER:
--
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer.
DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel
each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if
you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as:
Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee more...

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do more...

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a King summoned two of
his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two
slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think it is," he asked.
One advisor, an Engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The King then asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The Engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller. I would write a
simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to
one of sixteen shades of darkness: from snow white to coal black. The
program would use that darkness level as the index to a sixteen-element
table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements
and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the
end of the timer delay it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast.
Come back next week, and I'll more...

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."
"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell more...