Toilet Jokes / Recent Jokes

How do you know when you've passed an Elephant?
The toilet seat wont go down.

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.

As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called'Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.

They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.
Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under more...

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.

While his wife was away, a man decided to paint the toilet. Arriving home sooner than expected, his wife used the toilet and got the seat stuck to her rear end.
Totally distraught about what happened, she asked him to take her to the doctor. To avoid embarrassment, before leaving she put on a large overcoat to cover the seat.
When they arrived at the doctor's office, the husband lifted the overcoat so the doctor could see the predicament his wife was in.
"Doctor," the husband asked, "have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, "never framed though!"

A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION
There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned.
She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a
particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
accommodations first.
Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't
bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable
deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she
wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the
letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode"
as the "B.C.."
"Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually
wrote.
The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed
the letter around to several people at the campground, but they
couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church,
so more...

What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. more...