Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run more...

ADVICE FROM THE ANCIENTS.....

Bill Clinton went jogging one morning last week to clear his head and think about his troubles. He came upon the Washington monument and paused. Looking up he said,' George, what should I do?'

After a few seconds George replied,' Abolish the IRS and start over.'

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said' Tom, what should I do?'

After a few seconds Tom replied,' Abolish welfare and start over.'

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said,' Abe, what should I do?'

After a few seconds Abe replied' Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?'

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the man and dog were about 200 men walking in single file..

Curious, Tom respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

Tom said, "Oh... I'm sorry. What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."

Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her... and she more...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom." What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station"." What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles the more...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. 00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30. 00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15. 00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.