Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift." How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50." That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30." Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.' Great,' said Tom.' I love spaghetti.'' So do I,' said Dick.' And how's the toilet brush, Harry?'' Not so good,' Harry said,' I reckon I'll go back to paper...'

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a more...

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! ”.
“Really? ” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? ”
The clerk replies “Canned or frozen? ”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
'Boss', he said,' The pill actually worked!'
'That's all fine' said the boss,' But where were you yesterday?'

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new
job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe
him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so
Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't
know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!"
but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and
drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes
"Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 more...