Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.Missionary more...

Bandleader Kevin Eubanks will reportedly be leaving the Tonight Show Gig with Jay Leno. NBC executives want to get someone less talented.

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing. Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. Scully: But that's legend, more...

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored."What would you like to do next?" he asked."I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do."I wanna be weighed," she said.I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?""Wousy!" said the girl.