Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying,' Hello, Steve'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

The little man says, "Fuck off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here-it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a more...

Will came home dejected because a boyhood friend was about to be executed for murder, but his mood wasn't improved when his bitchy wife started berating him after dinner for one thing after another. "Thats enough!" he finally announced. "Poor Sam Wright is going to die tonight, and all you can do is yell at me. I'm going upstairs."
Alone, watching TV, the woman had begun to regret her conduct when a newscaster reported that the condemned man had been given a final reprieve. She hurried upstairs, heard water running, burst into the bathroom and yanked open the shower-stall door and shouted, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
"Good god, woman!" Shouted back her husband, "Isn't there anything about me that satisfies you?"

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his
Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning),
when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in
his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if
she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I
am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and more...

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely dear" she said, "what's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates, and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife.

"Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable Jerry" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

"Muppet Show" theme:
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone,
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight...
It's time to leave a message
On Kate and Shannon's phone,
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight.
Just leave your name and number,
Such simple things to do,
And then when we get home we will
Get right back to you.
It's time to leave a message
After you hear the tone.
It's time to leave a message
' Cause we're not at home tonight.
Gone to get a bite,
Stayin' out all night,
Yes we have a life!
Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight...

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said..You wear briefs, don't you He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money. He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said.. Well, you succeeded. He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said.. I would, but you're never there. He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight? She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.