Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
7) He said...' Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest...' I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the more...

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said.. You wear briefs, don't you He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money. He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said.. Well, you succeeded. He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said.. I would, but you're never there. He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight? She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

POLITICIAN - A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.
From: Lela Lowe - [email protected]
Jay Leno: "This is a rough election year.... Huffington's illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinstein's illegal nanny"
("Tonight," NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: "Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party."
("Late Show," CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the "ugly" campaign: "You look at some of these races around the country and you think it's just a damn shame somebody has to win."
Letterman: "President Clinton is the only president we've ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesn't know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother"
("Late Show," CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne more...

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're. .. so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost more...

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored."What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser."One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do."I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?""Wousy," said the girl.