Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusementpark. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Theride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young mantook her over to the weight guesser."One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he wasabsolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, hebought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he askedwhat else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thoughtthe young man, and using the excuse he had developed aheadache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home soearly, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have anice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?".
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball".
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?".
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger more...

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
Does my bum look big in this? = Tell me
I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this
later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late,
you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just
agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have
flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and
you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for
something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision
should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is
sex all you ever think
about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your
shoes and find a good
game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something
today that more...

The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'dlike an update tonight." Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all overthe place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear more...

The newlyweds had just returned from their honeymoon and we're settling down in their new apartment. As the husband was returning home from work the following evening, a neighbor bumped into him in the hallway and said, "I just happen to have a couple of extra tickets to a play opening in town tonight. Would you and your bride like to have them?"
The young man replied, "I'll check with her." Opening their apartment door, he called out to her, "Sweetheart, would you care to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Listen, pal," she responded, "if you dare show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going back home to my mother."

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Who? more...