Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)

SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy!" said the girl.

We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later
We need to talk
= I need to complain
You're...so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute
= kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt more...

Tonight on the 6:00 news, a recent poll by "USA Today" showed that 9 out of 10 people said that out of 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9!

Dating process:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months: Of course I love U.
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room.
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!
Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you more...

Woman's English
-----------------

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be more...

1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4: 11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean more...