Tony Jokes / Recent Jokes

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows
if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer
this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms more...

Two friends, Tony and Timmy, did not memorize the poems they needed to learn for their class. Due to this, their teacher scolded them. When they got home that night, they got to work memorizing the poems. Timmy memorized his poem well, but Tony did not like the subject of his poem and became frustrated. He goes to his mom who is working in the kitchen. "Mom, do you know any poems?"
"Just shut up!" she snaps at him. Tony writes, "Just shut up" on a piece of paper. He then goes to his dad who is busy working in his home office. "Dad, do you know any poems?"
"Just throw that in the dustbin," his dad mutters. Tony writes, "Just throw that in the dustbin," on the paper. He goes to his older brother who is watching his favorite movie, "Superman" on the television. "Michael, do you know any poems?"
"Superman!" he shouts angrily at his brother. Tony writes, "Superman" on the piece more...

Did you hear the sad news? Tony Fernandez tried to kill himself the other day by jumping in front of a bus. Luckily it went right through his legs.

The verbatim report of the last meeting of the European Commission has leaked to the press. Here is a small part of that historic meeting.
Van Miert (talking to Cresson): You will resign you bitch, Verdomme, or I'll make you swallow your new teeth one by one.
Cresson: I will not sink alone (famous last words).
Pinheiro: My brother in law has invited me to a golf game tomorrow, could we please hurry up?
Bangeman (Talking to Santer): get down from the window you idiot you will hurt yourself.
Marin: I'm clean, clean, clean, clean, so clean, clean, clean, clean.
Sir Leon Brittan:(Talking to himself): Tony loves me.
Sir Leon Brittan:(Talking to Neil Kinnock): Tony loves you too.
Papoutsis: What is going on here? Who is going to resign? Who the hell is Santer?
Schroeder (on the phone): Calm down Jacques. It is not that bad.
Imagine that I had to deal with Lafontaine all my life. And now that I got rid of him he wants to become President of the more...

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a
stop-a eating it."
Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it,
it's-a so good."
Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a
trim-a."
Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots
of-a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist,' I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added,' I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied,' So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Tony had a girlfriend whose name was Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her as well, and after a short while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, Tony was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

Tony stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."