Tools Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength... and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned more...
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can more...
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... at least till a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island, "she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How more...