Tools Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are genuine extracts from letters and complaints received by the the Northern Gas Board. Complaints regarding placing of appliances and meters etc.
Can you move the meter so it won't cause an obstruction in my passage.
The electric man did it through the floorboards, but your man put it in my front passage where everyone could see it.
I don't like it as much in my kitchen as I did in the shop window.
Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, my husband and I dread going to bed because of slight discharge, we think there is a leak just after it enters.
I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night, but he won't, if he comes to the showroom can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it.
I was told mine was no good but if it is altered I can get the North Sea in.
I have heard that there are two ways you can have it, and it worked out cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way.
I'm not more...

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.

The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.

The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.

Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!

When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!

Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!

I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.

Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!"
"I was going to tell you,
your tools more...

Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders" Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance. Does an extensive search for cavities... dental and body. He... ummm.. licks his tools clean. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office. Wears a necklace made of human teeth. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life - that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here? ”
She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank. ”
“Amazing, ” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you. ”
“Oh, this thing? ” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. ”
“But, where did you get the tools? ”
“Oh, that was no problem, ” replied the woman. “On the south side more...

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down more...

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the more...

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.