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Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going? ” He replied, “To the kitchen. ” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? ” He replied, “Sure. ” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it? ” He said, “No, I can remember that. ” She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that. ” He more...
10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants. 9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age. 8) Never run out of kindling wood again. 7) No need to wonder what belt to wear. 6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff. 5) These uniforms make nice pajamas. 4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning. 3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting. 2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages. And the top reason for studying martial arts: 1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.
A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, " Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? " "Why?", asked the lady. " I'm on top of the hotel... nobody can see me!" " True", the man replied, " But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room."
The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.
13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. .. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
There are three bees in a jar. A girl bee, and 2 guy bees!
One of the guy bees goes up to the girl bee and says:
"how do you get out of the jar?"
She says:
" fuck me and I will tell you"
so he does and she says:
" fly to the top of the jar really fast and knock the cap off"
and he does it hits his head and dies.
The next bee comes to her and asks:
"how do you get out of the jar?"
She says:
" fuck me and I will tell you"
so he does and she says:
" fly to the top of the jar really fast and knock the cap off"
and he does it hits his head and dies.
How did she get out of the jar?
fuck me and I'll tell you!!!!!!